[Clock Chiming]
[Baby Crying]
[Woman] Hey, look! It's the president!
And the pope!
Yee-aah! Yah!
Ooh-la-la-la-la-la!
Ow!
- Waah! - Waah!
[Man] Oh, my God!
Look! It's disgruntled postal workers!
[Click]
Wait a minute!
Give me my baby back!
Aah! Aah!
Frank!
Frank, are you all right?
I'm soaking wet.
I'll get the talcum powder.
It's not that. I had a nightmare.
There was crime all around me.
I couldn't stop it.
It was just a dream.
All I need is a good night's rest.
In the morning, everything will be just fine.
- Aah! - Aah!
Whoa!
[Whistle Blows]
Show me what you got!
Ow!
[Bells Ring]
- Oh! - Oh!
- Aah! - Aah!
Ah-ha ha ha ha ha!
[Beep]
[Buzzer]
How's my little boy?
Getting along okay, sweetie?
About as well as a heterosexual can in prison.
I don't know how much longer I can take it.
Ma, how's Tanya?
Tanya's the same.
Milky, creamy skin,
pouting red lips, firm buttocks,
ample breasts,
ears you'd love to stick your tongue into.
I'll get guy cramps if you keep this up.
Sorry.
Rocco, there's somebody here to see you.
Papshmir.
My people are very upset.
They're always upset.
They're Arab terrorists.
Ma, please.
You're supposed to be
the foremost terrorist bomber in the world...
train stations, department stores, government buildings.
The devastation in south Florida?
That was Hurricane Andrew.
That's what they told the public.
No matter.
We wanted to embarrass the United States,
and you've made the police
look like international heroes.
A first-class job costs 5 million.
If you want to step up to the price,
I got a target that'll make city hall look like chicken feed.
That's a pretty big target,
but why should I think anything
would be different?
'Cause $5 million buys me.
I'm breaking out of here.
All right,
but fail this time, Mr. Dillon,
and my people won't be so forgiving.
Fail?
Show me one man who can stop me.
[Hip To Be Square Plays]
*** I used to be a renegade ***
*** I used to fool around ***
*** But I couldn't take ***
*** The punishment ***
*** And had to settle down ***
*** Now I'm playing it real straight ***
*** And, yes, I cut my hair... ***
Attention, shoppers.
Be sure to check out our paper towel special
on aisle 7.
*** It's hip to be square ***
That's aisle 7.
*** It's hip to be square... ******
Aah!
Hey!
Help!
Give it to me!
My purse! Somebody help me!
My purse!
Stop fighting me!
*** He's a jolly good fellow ***
*** For he's a jolly good fellow ***
*** Which nobody can deny ******
Hear! Hear!
Well...
we shot a lot of people together.
It's been great.
But today I retire,
so if I do any shooting now,
it'll have to be within the confines of my own home.
Hopefully, it will be an intruder
and not an in-law like at my bachelor party.
Well, Ed,
I officially give you my gun...
Oh...
And my... my badge...
Oh.
Oh, I...
And, uh...
Jane and I would like to keep the handcuffs
as a souvenir.
Oh...
Cheer up, Ed. This is not good-bye.
It's just "I won't ever see you again."
Oh, Frank.
My purse!
Somebody help me!
Lieutenant Drebin!
Frank!
Didn't you see that?
What?
Oh, yes. Kitty litter.
2 bags for $ 1.00.
Great.
Order in this court.
The jury will disregard that last statement.
You may continue, Counselor.
Alimony had been set by the court, right, Mr. Clayton?
Yes, but...
But not once have you paid alimony to my client,
repeatedly defying a court order.
Isn't that right, Mr. Clayton?
I lost her address.
She moved twice. I couldn't keep up.
Don't lie to me, Mr. Clayton.
You're under oath.
Do you know the penalty for perjury?
[Babies Crying]
I'll ask that again.
Objection!
Your Honor, l...
Ow, ow.
Jeez.
Counsel is leading the witness.
Sustained.
[Gavel Pounds]
Sweetie, Mommy said no pounding when she's in session.
Please read the prosecution's last statement to the court.
"Don't lie to me, Mr. Clayton. You're under oath."
[Burp]
There. That a boy.
"Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?"
[Burp]
That's all I have, Your Honor.
You may continue, Ms. Spencer-Drebin.
Uh... prosecution rests.
Defense attorney Ms. Davis-Jacobsteiner-Laszlo?
I have no further questions, Your Honor.
Court will recess until after the morning feed.
[Squeak]
We're going to win this. I can feel it.
Yes. Of course.
I married the wrong man.
I never thought that was possible.
I beg your pardon?
Oh, nothing.
Louise, there's no such thing as the wrong man.
You just have to work at it.
Now, let's see,
Mr. And Mrs. Drebin, right?
Now, you two have been married
for six months?
Yes.
We really appreciate you seeing us, Doctor.
You came highly recommended by our last therapist.
Yes, I was sorry to hear about his suicide.
You know, I feel it's important
for a couple to get off on the right foot
and not get caught up in blame.
Which one of you is impotent?
That would be him.
Yes, of course.
Why don't you ask who's frigid?
That would be him, also.
How would you know? You're never home.
He resents that I'm a working woman.
He has no idea what a woman wants or needs.
You're so insensitive.
This isn't that toilet seat thing again, is it?
It's babies, Frank. I want to have a baby.
Every time we start to make love, you have a headache.
I'm not a piece of meat, Jane.
I'm trying.
I've got ointments, lotions, creams, books,
things that vibrate.
Frank!
Maybe it's your fault.
Have you tried sexy lingerie?
Some lacy underwear, a black teddy?
I've tried wearing them all. They don't work.
Oh.
Why don't you want to have a child?
Didn't I try to adopt that 18-year-old Korean girl?
Jane, Frank,
here's what I suggest.
Make tonight a special night.
Dinner, wine, romantic music.
Put on the 24-hour Johnny Mathis station.
Just be Jane and Frank,
lovers.
We haven't had a night like that
in a long time.
Not together.
Frank!
Jane...
having a baby is a big responsibility.
It's like being in charge of sanitation at a Haitian jail.
I'm just frightened.
Frank, let's make tonight something special.
Oh, honey, it's just that I love you so much.
My little lover sparrow.
My...
puppy-wuppy wover.
My little love biscuit.
My little shnooky-wookums.
My little lady cheesy puppy.
Mr. And Mrs. Drebin,
please, I'm a diabetic.
I think you two ought to go now.
I never thought we'd end this way.
How did you think we'd end?
I don't know.
Some other way.
Oh, Jason.
[Crying]
[Doorbell Rings]
E have to fight this thing... together.
Ed! Nordberg!
It's been a long time.
- Hiya, Frank! - Good to see ya.
You look terrific!
Thank you, Ed.
The little woman got me a Thighmaster.
Where are my manners?
Come on in. Come in.
How charming!
Sit, sit.
Excuse the mess. It's my ironing day.
I just frosted some cupcakes.
Would you care for one?
Oh, not just now.
Frank, we're having a little problem
with a terrorist threat.
I'd love a cupcake.
That coffee smells great.
I grind my own beans.
Frank, the reason we're here
is we need your help with something.
That is great!
I hoped you'd like them. Made them from scratch.
Just get off my feet for a second.
Frank, we may have a lead on a suspect
in the city hall bombing attempt.
These pictures were taken by a news photographer.
This girl was used as a diversion.
We had them enlarged.
They look familiar.
No, Frank, the pin. She's a nurse.
Can I keep this one?
We traced her to the Karlson Clinic on Myrtlewood.
Her name is Tanya Peters.
Tanya Peters?
You know her?
Don't you remember back in the 1970s?
The big disco shootout.
*** ell, you can tell by the way I use my walk ***
*** I'm a woman's man ***
*** No time to talk ***
*** The music loud, the women warm ***
*** I've been kicked around since I was born ***
*** But now it's all right and that's okay ***
*** And you may look the other way ***
*** e can try to understand... ***
Ed, what's happenin', my man?
Frank, we missed you last night at the fondue party.
Couldn't make it.
Went to see the Village People.
They are a stone gas, man.
I can dig it.
What have we got here?
One dead disco dancer.
Bummer. What a mindbender, huh?
We think it was a love triangle.
This is the suspect's girlfriend Tanya Peters.
I'll be right back.
Cigarette?
Yes, I know.
Well...
we'll need a statement from you down at the station.
Nordberg!
Coming, Lieutenant!
*** Somebody help me ***
*** I'm stayin'alive... ******
I do remember.
You were one of the first test cases
for minoxidil, weren't you?
What?
Well, I'm glad I could be of help.
If you don't mind, I've got a rump of lamb
to put in the oven.
We need a favor.
Not that big a rump roast, Nordberg.
No, not that, Frank.
We need you to go undercover at the clinic.
I've given up police work, Ed.
You're whistling up the wrong neck of the woods.
We're in a bind, Frank.
What about those two new guys Hedges and O'Malley?
They're in Hawaii... together.
Well, l... I can't.
Jane and I have a special evening planned.
It will only take a couple of hours.
You'll be home in time to make dinner.
I'd have to make pork chops.
Frank, think of all the crime out there.
Nobody is safe. You'd be protecting Jane.
You'd be protecting all the Janes of the world.
Besides, you haven't shot anybody in six months.
That's true.
Funny how you miss the little things.
It might be good to feel that cold, hard steel
pressed against my thigh once again.
The thrill of the chase, to be a man.
After folding the laundry,
I set out for the Karlson Clinic.
In any police operation, it's important to have a foolproof disguise.
This operation was no different.
I had no idea if Tanya would recognize me,
so I slipped on a fake pair of glasses
and combed my hair differently, just in case.
The plan was to get in,
get information on Tanya's connection with the bombing,
and get out as quickly as possible.
I figured faking an old football injury
would do the trick.
[Cough]
Can I help you?
I'd like to see a doctor, please.
Sign in here, please.
Do you have an appointment, Mister...
Uh, Smith.
Uh, no, I don't.
Then take a number.
Six.
What?
Is six taken?
Does it have to be between 1 and 10?
You'll be called.
Thank you.
Uh, Mr. Smith?
Sir, we've just had a cancellation.
We can take you now. Dr. Karlson?
Good morning, Mr. Smith.
Right this way.
I really appreciate your seeing me like this.
I'm sure it won't take too long.
When did you first notice the problem?
Uh, in the backyard
with my uncle.
In the backyard with your uncle?
Yes. When he comes over to visit,
we like to go out in the backyard,
throw it around for a while.
What did you and your uncle find out?
I can't keep up with him.
Mine hurt, especially on the long ones.
I can't seem to straighten it out.
It has no feeling.
It's kind of numb.
I may have yanked it too much, maybe.
If you would.
For what?
A sperm count.
In here?
It's not exactly the backyard,
but it'll do.
Well.
[Zipper]
[Slap]
Oh!
[Clang]
[Glass Breaking]
[Zipper]
Follow me,
and we'll do the necessary paperwork.
Sign these at the bottom
and leave them with the nurse
on your way out.
This way, please.
Uh, what?
Number 17.
Oh, no.
A problem?
No, no.
This is 17.
You're next.
Have we met before?
If you'll excuse me,
I'm next.
Ooh! Aah!
[Glass Breaking]
Aah!
[Clang]
[Knock Knock]
Sir?
Aah!
Mr. Smith,
how are we doing?
[Sheep Bleats]
I've been busy, if that's what you mean.
Would you like a videotape to assist you?
Do you have Dances with olves?
Rocketeer? Lady and the Tramp?
An adult movie.
Well...
Ooh! Aah!
Yeow!
Oh! Yes!
The tape was very entertaining.
Follow me.
Do you have Spartacus?
Maintenance, cleanup room seven.
Maintenance, cleanup room seven,
stat.
What are you doing?
Just freshening up.
You should always look your best
even though you're by yourself.
You know what I mean?
Are you sure we've never met?
Oh, here's my cup. Back to work.
[Knock Knock]
Uh, Mr. Smith?
Are you okay in there?
I could use a little help.
Dr. Rosenblatt,
foreplay in room seven, please.
Dr. Rosenblatt.
[Scraping]
[Johnny Mathis Sings Misty]
Honey...
I've been waiting all day.
I'm wearing the nightgown you bought me
for our honeymoon.
Tonight's going to be a special night.
I'm going to make love to you
for hours and hours.
Wouldn't Mr. Happy like that?
Hours?
Just like the first time we were together.
Jane, why don't I soak in the tub for a couple of days?
Possibly a week.
Oh, you're so cute.
Let me go get the oysters and clams.
*** alk my way ***
*** And 1,000 violins ***
*** Begin to play ***
*** Or it might be the sound ***
*** Of your hello ***
*** That music I hear ***
*** I get misty ***
*** The moment you're near ***
*** You can say ***
*** That you're leading me on... ***
Here.
I'll shave your back like last time.
Jane, I really don't think we should.
Frank!
What's this?
I... fell on a rake.
You're lying.
Now I know why Ed's been calling every half hour.
You've been back on a case, haven't you?
No, no. I swear. It's another woman!
In your wildest dreams!
It's bad enough you won't have a baby,
but I warned you about going back to Police Squad,
you white Anglo male!
Jane!
Oh! Jane!
It was nothing, Jane!
I was doing Ed a small favor!
Some retirement. I'm leaving, Frank.
I never thought you'd go back on your word.
Aren't you being a little hasty?
I don't think so.
[Doorbell Rings]
That should be the cab.
You can reach me at Louise's.
Oh, Frank, how could you?
We need time apart to think about us.
I'm not going to think.
Why start now? I love you.
Look, baby,
I am what I am, and I do what I do.
A few guys make shoelaces, some lay sod,
others make a good living neutering animals.
I'm a cop.
Pretty speech, but my mind is made up.
I'm leaving.
All right.
Then take this with you.
*** I get misty... ******
You know how my lips feel about things.
[Doorbell Rings]
Good-bye, Frank.
You're listening to KSAD,
all-depressing,
all the time.
Here's a dedication to Frank from Jane
who just called from a taxi.
"Frank, you lying weasel-weenie.
It's bad enough you're shooting blanks.
Now you're letting all the heat out.
Ere you born in a barn, you stupid..."
He promised he'd never go back to police work.
Once a cop, always a cop.
He's married to his work, not me.
You'll always come in second.
There was this great article in Cosmo...
"Why all men are pigs."
Frank's just another word for loser.
I never want to see him again.
I want to get as far away as possible.
We'll head to my friend's cabin by the smelting plant.
The fresh air will do you good.
Go easy. That's your second bottle of Chanel.
You're witnessing the beginning
of a new Jane Spencer-Drebin.
No more little Miss Perky devoting her life to one man.
I'm out for the new me.
Let's burn rubber.
You didn't forget anything, did you?
[Louise] I hope not.
Just calm down, ma'am.
How many bodies did you find
in your swimming pool?
Killing a gang member's only an $ 18 fine.
Just mail it in.
Frank! Glad you could make it!
Welcome, buddy.
Nordberg.
Did you find Tanya's address, Frank?
I wrote it on a hanky,
and I can't remember what I did with it.
I'm getting a bit rusty.
Oh, that's all right.
It could happen to anybody.
I brought you Frank's never-fail fudge.
You go on about your business.
Smells great.
I'll stay out of your hair.
[Vacuum]
Uh, Frank, let me take that.
We've got a surprise for you.
It's in honor of your 30 years on the force.
Nordberg.
- Yay! - Yay!
Congratulations, buddy!
Oh, boy.
This is really great.
Thank you, guys.
We thought it might cheer you up.
We heard about you and Jane.
Jane, Jane.
That name will always remind me of her.
I feel really bad about all of this.
If there's anything that you need...
Dr. Kevorkian's home phone number?
Nordberg, put it together.
Frank, I want you to know we're here for you.
Thanks, Ed.
Well, look who's here.
Hi, Frank. Nice to see you.
Ed, I've got that data for you on the bomb.
What did you find out?
The explosive is a very fine powder.
It tastes like...
That would be fertilizer, Frank, for another case.
This is what I'm talking about.
We detected a high quantity of nitroglycerin.
Can you tell us where it came from?
I'd be glad to.
Billions of years ago,
the Earth was a molten mass.
Ted, I'm talking about the powder.
We haven't got a clue about that.
Let me take that urine specimen.
We found a detailed list of the bomber's plans at the scenes.
On a hunch we analyzed the paper.
And you got something?
Yes. The paper came from Statesville Prison.
Are you sure?
Positive. We analyzed the wood fibers
and found them to be from the rare Canary Island pine
which grows only in Oregon.
Contacting several paper mills in that area
led us to a distribution center in Tacoma.
Unfortunately, that's where the trail ended.
How'd you trace it to Statesville Prison?
Right here on the letterhead, Frank.
After comparing handwriting samples
with every known bomber
currently serving a stretch in Statesville,
we came up with a suspect...
Rocco Dillon.
He's masterminding the bombings
from inside the prison.
Then there's only one way to find out
where Rocco's going to strike next.
We'll have to send someone into Statesville Prison.
I'll do it.
I wouldn't feel right about that.
If Rocco finds out you're a cop, you might end up dead.
"You might end up dead" is my middle name.
What about Jane?
I don't know her middle name.
I need the action.
I'm going inside the big house.
I think you might want to see this.
We're testing out a prototype
for a new anti-carjacking device.
We'll see how it works.
Get out!
No!
Don't make me...
Aah!
We call it the Denver Jockstrap.
After being retired for six months,
I was finally back in action.
Faster than you can say spread 'em,
I was inside the cold, gray walls
of Statesville Prison.
I was surrounded by pimps, rapists, and murderers.
It was like being in the stands
at a Los Angeles Raiders'game.
It was going to take all my police experience
just to stay alive in here.
[Bell Rings]
After a long and generous cavity search,
I finally reached my destination...
maximum security,
home of some of the most violent sociopaths
in the country,
and the worst of them all,
Rocco Dillon.
All right, in here.
Ain't no prison yet could hold me.
Attica!
Power to the brothers!
Kill whitey!
Knock it off!
You're chirping awfully loud
for a new canary.
Keep flashing the big eyes,
and I'll personally balance and rotate your jaw.
Hey! You know who you talking to?
The man is Rocco Dillon.
Where's your prison number?
It's unlisted.
Just call me Nick "the Slasher" McGirk.
Look, hamhead, I'm the muscle in this pen.
You just stay out of my way.
You just watch your step, McGirk.
Take it from me,
this place here changes a man.
Oh, yeah? In what way?
I used to be white.
I was the drummer for the Osmonds.
Screw with me,
he'll make you feel pain
like you never felt before.
I know. I remember the Osmonds.
[Bell Rings]
Better hit the rack, McGirk.
Yeah, in a minute.
First I want to make up a list
of the people I'm going to kill
in the next couple of days.
Lights out! Lock down in two minutes!
My dearest snooky wookums dumpling buns,
I miss you so much.
I haven't hurt this bad
since the last time I was dumped.
I remember it well.
Her name was Gabriella.
E were supposed to be married,
but on the day of our wedding,
she never showed up.
Aah!
I was heartbroken, destroyed.
I figured she had fallen for another man,
someone who could do to her
what I never could.
I thought my life was over
until that one glorious day.
That was the day you became my wife.
All our friends gathered to celebrate our love.
It seems like only yesterday.
E were all so overjoyed.
I remember how we wished
we could take everyone with us.
That was the happiest day of my life.
I'll never forget the plans we made for our future.
Things were going to be so perfect.
E were going to get that housekeeper you always wanted.
Hi, Mr. D. Hi, Mrs. D.
And I knew that eventually
our dream would come true.
One day we'd have our own little Frank Drebin, Jr.
Shut up. I'm trying to get some sleep.
Nah, it's no use. She'll never come back.
*** You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain ***
*** Too much love drives a man insane ***
*** You broke my will ***
*** But what a thrill ***
*** Goodness gracious Great balls of fire ***
*** I laughed at love 'cause I thought it was funny ***
*** You came along and moved me, honey ***
*** I changed my mind ***
*** This love is fine ***
*** Goodness gracious Great balls of fire ******
[Singing]
Bend over and pick it up for me,
would you, lover?
No problem.
Rocco could tell from my little escapade in the shower
that I was well-endowed with courage.
Now I had to get on the inside.
Like a blind man at an orgy,
I was going to have to feel things out.
Tyrone, got the escape plans right here.
Just you and me.
Burnett wants in, too.
Burnett's one of the guards.
I know, but he's unhappy here.
All right, all right. Whatever.
Got it all worked out right here.
What's this?
Another letter from your mommy?
Hey, that's private, screw.
Let's see what we have.
Give the man back his letter.
Buzz off, butter cheeks.
What's so special about a little letter?
Wait a minute. An escape plan.
This is your ticket to another 20 years, Dillon.
If the warden gets one look at this...
Hey! You call this slop?
Real slop has got chunks of things in it!
This is more like gruel!
And this Chateau Le Blanc '68,
it's supposed to be served slightly chilled!
This is room temperature!
What do you think we are, animals?
- No! - No!
What are we?
Homo sapiens?
You're right!
We are men!
Aah!
Come on, knock it off!
Everybody stop!
Whoa!
Don't! No! Stop!
Aah!
Your left hand blue.
Who's got their hand in my pocket?
Eat them!
Come on, son. You can do it.
Eat some beans.
You saved my bacon, McGirk.
I'd be in solitary right now
if you hadn't done that.
Listen, I've been watching you.
You handle yourself really good.
Really well.
I got something big coming up
on the outside.
I could use you in my gang.
You got a dental plan?
Full coverage.
We got to bust out of this playpen.
We still have our escape plan. Let's have it.
It's a good plan.
I've had better.
Listen, I've got a foolproof plan.
Oh, my God. They got Tyrone.
Can't... Can't we all just get along?
Now that Tyrone was in solitary,
it was just me and Rocco.
He had no choice but to trust me...
Shh! Hold on.
[Whispering] Okay, anyway.
I convinced Rocco to dig a tunnel.
It was that or escape in a laundry truck.
The thought of lying in a pile of underwear
nose-down in skid marks
didn't leave a good taste in my mouth.
Disposing of the dirt was a problem I solved
early in the construction.
Outside of some major chafing,
we were making good progress.
E kept digging.
At night, dummies gave the guards the impression
we were still in our cell.
Lights out.
There was more dirt than I anticipated.
Disposing of it was becoming tricky business.
Aah!
Safe!
*** 99 bottles of beer on the wall ***
*** 99 bottles of beer ***
*** If one of those bottles should happen to fall ***
*** 98 bottles of beer on the wall ***
*** 98 bottles of beer ***
Where are you going?
You're not thinking of Frank again, are you?
They're playing our song.
I understand. Take your time.
*** If one of those bottles should happen to fall ***
*** 96 bottles of beer on the wall ******
Well, hello, there.
I'm hauling a load of rice cakes.
What do you say to coming with me?
No, thank you.
Then how about a kiss?
No.
When a woman says "no," she means "yes."
How about that kiss?
Yes.
What do you mean "no"? I know your type.
Come on, baby. We're two of a kind.
Ow!
Aah!
Oh, my God!
You killed him!
It was an accident. Let's call the police.
Come to your senses. You killed a man.
You're a hero to every woman in this country.
We have to call Frank. He'll protect us.
Frank is a man.
He'll see you locked away forever.
Jane, I want to join you
to help you kill as many men as possible.
Yipes!
Louise, do what you have to.
I'm calling Frank.
Oh, boy, did that hurt.
Be home, Frank, please.
Answer the phone, snuggy pants.
[Telephone Picks Up]
Frank!
Hi, this is Frank.
And Jane.
E're the Drebins. E're not home right now,
so leave a message.
[Laughter]
Hich button do I press?
No, not that one.
[Dial Tone]
"Tanya"? It was another woman.
Frank was telling the truth.
Honeymoon Bay Road.
I bet they're all alone there right now.
Oh, Frank!
Cell inspection.
[Bell Rings]
There's been a rumor of a possible breakout.
If we suspect anyone
of attempting to escape,
they will be punished severely.
Once word of the escape was out,
we had to move quickly
so we headed for the tunnel.
The last few feet had to be dug on the run.
47 yards would take us beyond the prison walls.
May he rest in peace
in the arms of our loving... Jesus Christ!
Amen.
Rocco had arranged for a getaway car
to meet us at our destination.
After making a slight adjustment in our direction,
we finally arrived at the rendezvous point...
a Los Angeles City high school.
Hey, that was close.
Hey, Rocco, who's the old hag?
She take one in the face?
She's my mother.
Mrs. Dillon, your son is a ruthless,
sadistic, cold-blooded animal.
You must be very proud of him.
I am.
Ma, I want you to meet a real square egg...
Nick "the Slasher" McGirk.
There's fresh clothes in the back.
Rocco's mom was quiet.
I had a feeling
she didn't care for me coming along.
Like a midget at a urinal,
I was going to have to stay on my toes.
Hey! Stop!
Oh, Frank.
Well, it wasn't my fault.
That cow shouldn't have been standing in the road.
Hurry up. You're letting the flies in.
What do you think, kid?
It's a great setup.
No phone, miles from the nearest town,
Playboy Channel, perfect.
High stakes,
but I'm here for the action.
What are we going after,
bank, armored car, Dodgers' payroll?
You're getting a little bit too nosy, McGirk.
Relax, Ma.
She's been itching to try out her new gun.
I know the feeling.
It was Tanya.
That bathing suit was never happier.
I had only a second to admire the view.
I had to watch out.
If she made me as a cop,
I'd be tonight's meat loaf.
Come here, sexy.
You're all woman.
I could tell just by looking at you.
Hey, she's referring to me.
Uh... I was talking about your mother.
That's no way to be walking around.
Get some clothes on.
What are you doing in my bathing suit?
Hey, who's the stud?
I'd like you to meet the newest member
of our gang.
Slasher McGirk, meet Tanya Peters.
Wait a minute.
Don't I know you from somewhere?
I smelled cop on him
the minute I saw him.
I get that all the time.
The underwear ads, played everywhere.
Are you saying you're not a cop?
Well, yeah.
That's good enough for me.
- Me, too. - I'm fine.
All right. Glad that's all cleared up.
Ma, why don't you two kiss and make up?
Huh?
Well, all right.
[Spits]
Now that's more like it.
Ow.
I had to get a message to Police Squad.
This was turning into more than I could handle.
No phone and miles from civilization,
my prospects looked bleaker than a gerbil's
in a bathhouse.
Who's down there?
Slasher...
have you seen my pigeon?
Pigeon? What pigeon?
What are you doing?
I'm... just contemplating my next move.
Your bishop is exposed.
It's these pants.
I usually wear a fuller cut.
You're all man.
I like that in my men.
You're coming on to me big-time, sister.
You're purring like a kitten with a fresh mouse,
but we got a problem.
You're Jewish?
No. You're Rocco's girl.
In my book, that chapter's called
"Look, but don't touch."
I could have two lovers.
Kinky. I like my sex
the way I play basketball...
one-on-one and with as little dribbling as possible.
Oh, you're tense, Slasher.
Well, I could relax a little more
if I knew what was going on tomorrow.
You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?
All I know is it's downtown and...
big.
That's the way I like it.
What else?
Just this.
What are you doing?
Thank you for the advice.
I'll try that recipe out, Miss Peters.
How could you?
Just shove your tongue
as far down his throat as you can.
Oh...
Quiet. You're not supposed to know me here.
That's a good-bye kiss, sister.
What's all this? Who's the skirt?
Just some dizzy dame.
Probably her car broke down.
I'll take her to the bus depot.
She's married.
What if her husband comes looking?
He must be a great guy.
He breaks promises.
Look at you, traipsing all over, just to spite him.
He left me.
You left him.
You should talk.
- Listen to you. - Listen to you.
- Listen to you! - Listen to you!
Jeez, you two, knock it off!
You'd think you're married.
What do you want to do with her?
Well, one thing's for sure.
There's no room for her here.
I say we bump her off.
Let's plug her right here.
I've been on jobs where things went hooey.
I would have given anything for a hostage.
We all know women make the best hostages.
They're smaller, easy to take along,
eat less, smell nice.
Yeah, we got us an insurance policy.
Good thinking, kid.
Now let's get some shut-eye.
We got a big day ahead of us.
All right, it's rigged.
Keep your eye on the tower, Slasher.
It's what's going to happen tonight.
Hey, aren't we awfully far away?
Oh!
All right, now, pay attention.
On the top of that tower's a device
that's going to net us 5 million bucks.
It's a little thing I've been working on.
We're going to detonate it
at an event the world will be watching.
Your crowning achievement.
It's for both of us, Ma.
All set!
Set!
Very impressive.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Cool.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Cool.
Yes, America will be brought to its knees
by this ultimate terrorist act.
This will be more embarrassing to the United States
than Tonya Harding.
We're almost there. I don't want to miss this.
Give my regards to Mrs. Khadafy.
Tell her "thanks" for the cookies.
It's another beautiful night in Los Angeles,
and the stars are shining bright
for the 66th annual Academy Awards.
Thousands of fans are clamoring
to get a glimpse of their favorite celebrities.
Here are two of them.
It's eird Al Yankovic and Vanna hite.
Slasher, put the dame in the trunk.
I'll meet you and Ma around back in 10 minutes.
Got the passes?
We pull this off, it's 5 million big ones.
Not bad.
What's going to happen to me?
Shh! I have an idea.
All right, Slasher. You know what to do.
Right. Check all the fluid levels.
No, you muffinhead, the dame.
Keep an eye on her.
We hit trouble, she's a bullet shield.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here now to present the Academy's Lifetime Achievement Award
is James Simmons.
Go to clip. Aspirin, please.
Go to 3. Ready 4.
This year's Lifetime Achievement Award winner's credits include
some of the greatest moments
ever captured on celluloid.
Films such as Sandals and Loincloth, 1958,
Sweaty Boat Men, 1959,
The Leather-clad Centurion, 1960,
and his first color feature in 1966,
Big Shiny Spears.
Okay, there's the man from Bryce/Porterhouse.
He's the guy that guards the envelopes
until they're handed out.
He's not going to budge from that table.
You know what to do.
Distract him so I can plant the bomb.
Accepting the award for Mr. Broncowitz
is Margaret Redfeather.
That ought to do it.
You'll never get away with this.
Rocco's going to kill you, whoever you are.
Frank Drebin, Police Squad.
Isn't it a little unusual?
It's happened to me a couple of times.
Now here's the plan.
Your chances are one in a million.
That's still better than any state lottery.
Look, I'm the good guy.
I can't let the bad guys win.
Our children can't be raised in fear.
They're going to blow that place sky-high.
It'll be a tragedy,
unless, of course, it happens during a dance number.
[Giggling]
Does that radio work?
[Speaking Arabic]
Call Police Squad.
Tell them Frank Drebin says...
[Speaking Jamaican]
Forget it.
I wonder what the devil he wanted.
Hold on.
Sergeant Frank Drebin, detective lieutenant, Police Squad.
Yeah, and I'm Robert De Niro.
Mr. De Niro, we've got to get inside.
You and 10,000 other people. Now, move along.
Movie stars only.
Come on.
I've got a better idea.
And cue talent.
And now, to present the award for Best Supporting Actress
are Mariel Hemingway
and Elliott Gould.
Thank you.
The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are...
Mary Lou Retton... Fatal Affair,
one woman's ordeal to overcome the death of her cat,
set against the background of the Hindenburg disaster.
[Pop Pop Pop]
Morgan Fairchild... Final Proposal,
one courageous pioneer woman's
triumphant victory over bulimia,
set against the background of the Donner Party crossing.
Ahem. Ahem.
[Pop Pop]
Very sorry about this, but it's official police business.
Shannen Doherty... Basic Analysis,
one woman's triumph over a yeast infection,
set against the tragic Buffalo Bills' season of 1991.
Thank you, Sheriff.
Still no word of Frank or Rocco and his gang.
Frankly, I'm getting worried.
Frank should have phoned in by now.
[Beep Beep]
Let me just check your tickets, folks.
Lovely gown. Is that Cool Whip?
Uh-huh.
Tim and Erica Brown. Enjoy the show.
Let's see, Vanna White and Weird Al Yankovic.
Okay, enjoy the awards.
Ready 3... and 3!
And Florence Henderson... Analysis of a Proposal...
Rocco could be anywhere.
He had time to plant the bomb. Where could it be?
The winner is...
This is going to be dynamite.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Florence Henderson is going to win,
and it's about time.
No! The bomb is in one of those envelopes.
You're right!
And the winner is...
- Aah! - Aah!
Mary Lou Retton for Fatal Affair.
Yes! Yes!
Sorry. We were rooting for Florence Henderson.
We've got to get to those envelopes
before they open any more of them.
Yes!
I never realized there'd be this many.
They added 75 new categories.
"Best Actor in a Columbus Movie"?
To present the award for Best Director,
is star of stage and screen... Raquel elch
and the host of his own award-winning talk show... Phil Donahue.
That might be the envelope with the bomb.
Keep looking here.
One more second, Mr. Donahue.
Uhh!
Oh, my God! Look at Donahue!
[Director] Stop the stairs, Joey. Joey!
Whoa!
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's my pleasure to present the award...
What the hell?
Jesus!
Go to commercial.
Easy, now, easy.
Talk to me. What happened, Ma?
Slasher is Frank Drebin of Police Squad.
That lousy, two-bit, copper punk!
I treat him like my brother,
the one I didn't kill.
He might find the bomb.
Not if I find him first.
Back from commercial in five seconds.
Hurry with the mike and cue Donahue, in 3, 2...
Ahem.
Read it. Read the card, moron.
"Well, Raquel, this certainly is a special evening.
Whew!
I can barely catch my breath."
"Turn it over to Raquel."
"Raquel: 'I'm used to being out of breath, working out..."'
What's he doing?
"Hold for laughter and applause."
"To Phil: 'Gets me out of breath just watching you."'
"To Raquel: 'Oh, Phil..."'
I'm supposed to read that.
"But let's get to the subject at hand."
"Pick up the envelope..."
The nominees for Best Director are...
Sir Richard Attenborough
for his musical based on the life of Mother Teresa...
Mother.
*** Food! I love food ***
*** And I'm really in the mood ***
*** For a big corn dog or pupu platter ***
*** Two Ding Dongs it doesn't matter ***
*** Add some Tuna Helper ***
*** I'll be racing back for more ***
*** But don't add any salsa ***
*** 'Cause I'll blow chunks on the floor, hey ***
*** Ooh ***
*** Ya-hoo ******
Spike Lee... X Two, The Merchandising.
Nordberg, look!
That's Frank at the Academy Awards.
How'd he get tickets?
Nordberg!
That's where Rocco Dillon is going to strike next.
He's planning on blowing up the Academy Awards.
We've got to get there.
Captain, we're not invited. We're cops.
It's for you.
Nordberg,
Police Squad.
Hello? Hello?
All right, let's go! Hustle!
Henderson, see about this phone. I think it's broke.
And now, here are today's Lucky Lotto numbers.
Get your tickets ready, 'cause here they come...
12, 22, 18 and 9.
- Ahh! - Ahh!
And for his tale of genetics gone haywire
in a retirement community,
Steven Spielberg... Geriatric Park.
[Rumbling]
- Aah! - Aah!
[Coughing]
- Aah! - Aah!
Ah...
Ah... Ah...
Ah-choo!
And the winner is...
Uh,
Raquel, just a second. I just had a thought.
Oh, Christ!
This show is being seen all over the world.
I was thinking, if we could send good thoughts,
transmit through these cameras,
to the leader of China...
Wing Wow Woo Tong...
so that they might finally be nice.
Thank you.
And the winner is...
Uh, Raquel, so many go to bed hungry in this nation.
Yet, cat food's full of tuna.
I can't help think each time I go to the zoo
and see those porpoises crammed into tiny tanks
what a waste that is.
Butcher half of them now.
That's hundreds of pounds of dolphin meat
that could be fed to our cats,
freeing up that tuna for our nation's hungry.
And... the winner is...
So many are, uh, cold,
shivering in the night. So I say,
take those cats, skin them,
use their fur to keep hundreds warm.
Jesus, Phil!
And the winner is...
- You! - Give me that!
Ohh!
Hyah!
Not one move.
That barrel's cold.
It's room temperature. Let's go.
It's okay. It's not the bomb.
Ohh!
Oh, no!
Jane?
Big trouble... aah!
[Pop Pop Pop]
Jane?
[Pop Pop Pop]
Jane?
Silver hair...
About 6' 2"...
Looked like Phil Donahue.
Jane...
That's the guy!
Get him!
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome internationally renowned actress and singing star...
Pia Zadora.
*** You're walkin' along the street ***
*** Or you're at a party... ***
There he is!
*** Or else you're alone... ***
Excuse me?
Isn't that snot on your shoe?
We've lost him!
I'll stay here. You check the wings.
*** That this could be the start of somethin' big ***
*** There's no... ***
Oh, no! Not him again.
Please, God.
He got away.
*** Who knows what's written in that magic book? ***
*** But when a lover you discover ***
*** At the gate, my friend ***
*** Invite him in without a second look ***
*** You're watchin' the sun come up ***
*** Or countin' your mon... ***
- Get off the stage! - Grab him!
Aah!
I'm Ed Hocken. This is Officer Nordberg, from Police Squad.
We're here to prevent a disaster.
You're too late for that.
*** You're watchin' the sun come up ***
Hey, it's Frank.
*** Or countin' your money ***
*** Or else in a dim cafe ***
*** You're orderin' wine ***
*** Then suddenly there he is ***
*** You want to be where he is ***
Come on, Nordberg. We've got to get Frank.
*** The start of somethin' ***
*** This could be the heart of somethin' ***
*** This could be the start of somethin' ***
*** Big ******
Aah!
Ohh!
Jane!
Aha!
I knew I'd bump into you somewhere.
I want answers, cherry cakes.
- I love you. - Wrong answer.
I've dropped out of the "Sap of the Month" Club.
Listen, angel drawers, you've got one last chance.
And I don't mean a major league baseball,
Steve Howe kind of last chance.
Now, where is Jane?
I don't know.
Okay, where's the bomb?
In the Best Picture envelope.
Oh, Mr. Drebin, I want to go straight.
I'm tired of the lies.
Oh, kiss me.
Please kiss me.
I've never kissed lips so innocent,
so pure.
He looked like Phil Donahue, white hair...
That's the guy!
Frank?
I'll get him, Captain.
Ladies and gentlemen,
to present the Best Picture award
are two of America's most distinguished actors...
Olympia Dukakis and James Earl Jones.
Lord, what's that?
Looks like Phil Donahue throwing up in a tuba.
Someone make a note.
We shouldn't have Phil Donahue back next year.
Thank you. Thank you. Good evening.
It's a privilege for us to present the final award
of tonight's ceremony.
We've been worried about you.
Where's Rocco? Where's Tanya?
Sit down. Take it easy.
Thank God you're okay.
... Indecent Instincts, and Sawdust and Mildew.
Every one of these movies was a box office hit,
except for one.
What's that?
The Best Picture award.
My money's on Sawdust and Mildew.
Olympia, would you do the honors, please?
Oh, my God!
That's the one!
The award for this year's Best Picture
goes to...
Wait!
Oh, great.
Sorry about this.
Loved you in Coneheads. You, too.
Let me open this.
[Beep Beep]
It's the bomb!
- Aah! - Aah!
Freeze and nobody gets hurt!
Aah!
Well,
from now on.
Back in your seats, you little weasels!
This program's been permanently interrupted.
Don't panic. Stay with it.
Camera 2, move in on the old lady.
Better move back, 2.
No one move!
Sit down! Now, pay attention!
I don't want to kill nobody unless I have to.
All right, drop your guns and kick them over here.
I believe that bomb belongs to me.
Hand it over, Drebin.
You want to kill him, Ma?
Blink and I start shooting.
[Frank] Give me that gun!
Oh, my God!
I'm not falling for that one, sister.
Aah!
I'm not well!
Get this stupid thing off me!
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
Ma!
She's a goner, Rocco.
Dead. Then that's it.
I'm coming with you, Ma!
Pull out the bomb. You don't, I'll shoot the dame.
All right, Rocco. All right.
I'll do what you say.
Frank...
Just don't harm her.
You pull out the bomb, you'll kill me and everyone else.
Yeah. No dice, Rocco.
Then I'll plug her.
You shoot her, I'll empty this envelope.
Frank, think about it.
It's okay. You'll be dead.
Then you'll kill yourself and everyone here.
Yeah.
I'll shoot you if you don't do as I say.
Jane?
I'd be safe with everyone else,
but you'd be dead.
This is getting complicated, Rocco.
Let's look at this logically.
You're the psychotic. You should have the envelope.
I should have the gun.
I know what I'm doing.
All right!
Here's your Best Picture!
In front of the world,
this place is going up.
Well, if I'm going out, I'm going out happy.
Wait a minute, Rocco.
Before we're all blown to bits,
mind if I pull the underwear out of my crack?
A man's got to go comfortable.
All right, but that's it.
Give it up, Rocco. You're history.
Look, George Hamilton!
Ah ha ha ha!
Come and get me, Drebin.
Throw me a gun!
Get rid of the bomb!
Hold on, sweetheart.
Oh! Frank, help me!
Frank...
I know what I'm doing.
Aah!
I hate heights!
Ohh! Oh, no!
Move it, sister!
Aah!
Screw the commercials! We're sticking with this.
All right, copper, you killed my ma!
I'm taking the dame away from you.
You hear me, copper?
One push and Mrs. Drebin becomes linoleum.
Get a camera up there. This could be my best work.
Any last words before I throw you off?
Yes. Don't do it.
Anything else?
Frank, I love you.
Yes, I want the world to know you're the perfect man.
Frank, I hope you can hear me.
They said I couldn't do drama.
I was wrong.
Taking you away from Police Squad was a mistake.
I know, now, that's why you couldn't perform decent sex.
I realize that, now,
and other things.
Everything's under control.
Nobody move!
Any vibration may set this thing off.
Frank, I've learned my lesson.
And though it may be too late for me,
I want all you ladies to remember something.
Don't ever take your men for granted,
because good men don't just fall out of the sky.
Aah!
He's caught up in the cable.
Frank, do something!
Hurry!
Ohh!
I'm coming, Ma!
Rocco?
Papshmir?
Jane,
I never want us to be apart again.
Oh, Frank.
You like me. You really like me!
Frank, slow down.
Hurry up! We're late!
Relax. We've got plenty of time.
You bring the camcorder?
Right here. What room's she in?
Delivery room. This must be it.
Jane, I'm here. Frank is here.
- Aah! - Push!
Here it comes now.
Breathe, honey. Breathe, Jane.
One more push. That's it.
Congratulations, Dad, it's a boy.
[Baby Cries]
Nordberg!
You come back here!
Frank, it's a boy.
I know.
*** You're walkin' along the street ***
*** Or you're at a party ***
*** Or else you're alone ***
*** And then you suddenly dig ***
*** You're lookin' in someone's eyes ***
*** You suddenly realize ***
*** That this could be the start of somethin' big ***
*** There's no controllin' the unrollin' ***
*** Of your fate, my friend ***
*** Who knows what's written in that magic book? ***
*** And when a lover you discover ***
*** At the gate, my friend ***
*** Invite him in without a second look ***
*** You're watchin' the sun come up ***
*** Or countin' your money ***
*** Or else in a dim cafe ***
*** You're orderin' wine ***
*** And suddenly there he is ***
*** You want to be where he is ***
*** And this must be the start of somethin' ***
*** This could be the heart of somethin' ***
*** This could be the start of somethin' big ***
*** You're watchin' the sun come up ***
*** Or countin' your money ***
*** Or else in a dim cafe ***
*** You're orderin' wine ***
*** Then suddenly there he is ***
*** You want to be where he is ***
*** And this could be the start of somethin' ***
*** This could be the heart of somethin' ***
*** This could be the start of somethin' ***
*** Big ******